Well it’s April now, are you happy? That means grant applications are due and maps for the festival have to be decided on. All winter we idled under our fuzzy comforters thinking summer would never get here, and now it’s just around the corner!

Eek!

I guess I am an outlier, but the one April Fool’s article I read on beavers yesterday seemed perfectly unfunny to me. In fact every word could have been written truthfully about Martinez. Just between you and me, I have a dream that someday it will be sound advice for all cities.

See if you don’t agree!

Beavers could come to Watford in green scheme

Watford’s pond could be the centre of a groundbreaking scheme to bring wildlife to the town centre. Under proposals to ‘re-wild’ The Parade, a colony of beavers could be introduced to the pool as part of a renewable forest-marsh ecosystem.

The ‘Big Beaver’ scheme is being mooted by environmentalists as a way to offset the increasing urbanisation of the town centre. The forest would act as a ‘green lung’, while the beavers would act as its natural stewards, managing the woodland as part of an ‘urban wilderness’.

Watford is a posh suburb of London, acclaimed for it’s recently finished “parade” which is a cross between an outdoor mall, a civic space and a city park. It contains several water features which is how it encouraged such a fun-spirited article.

The idea, like many to have gained popularity in recent years, originated in Scandinavia. In the remote and tiny Igä valley in Sweden, a population of urban beavers has peacefully co-existed alongside humans for centuries.

With little fertile land, people in the town of Rollmopp realised that if they resisted the temptation to kill the beavers for tasty steaks and warm, furry hats and boots, the beavers would dam the fast-flowing river, providing fishing pools and irrigation.

Academics say it is a perfect example of man living in balance with nature.

The curious part of this article is that Iga valley could easily be Martinez. Of course if you allow beavers to live in an urban creek they will provide a community with new fish and wildlife. Why is that a joke?

Dr. Iva Ottersdotter, an urban zoologist at the University of Poang, said the ‘urban canyon’ conditions of the Parade were a near perfect match for the steep, rocky sides and barren soils of the Igä valley.

She said: “In an increasingly urban world, these loveable animals could provide a valuable link with nature for a generation of children, and attract people to the top of The Parade.

“It is almost as if beavers have evolved to be adorable. In Sweden we have recorded instances of beavers posing for selfies, picking up litter and one very serious beaver solving a murder.”

Beavers in selfies? Check. Beavers picking up trash? Check. Beavers solving murders?

Well not quite, but there was that one time the dam stopped that dead body from floating out to see and let officials find out who it was. Remember? It was in the contra costa times.

As part of the scheme, the triangle of land at the top of the Parade would be planted with a mix of trees imported from Sweden, with water flow introduced between an expanded series of pools.

The beavers would in time build their own lodge, but a ready-built home will be used at first, constructed on-site from a flat-pack with allen keys and easy-to-follow instructions.

To make the animals feel at home, The Parade would be repainted in muted blues and greys, with highlights of yellow and orange.

Will beavers make a lodge in an urban setting? You bet your tail they will. And did.

Prof Stieg Ituppyajummpa, visiting professor at the University of Beest in the Netherlands, has made a study of the interaction of intoxicated humans with animals.

The professor said: “As long as people can be trained to interact with the beavers correctly, there is no problem.

“They also have a nasty nip and know how to handle themselves in a fight.”

Ahh now you’re just being generous to us. Of COURSE Martinez beavers met up with many many reams of drunk citizens in their lives. From the day time drunks, to the needle litter we found around the lodge, to the huffers in the bushes and the loud creekside beer hall. Our beavers have dealt with drunks.

And generally brought out the best in them.

Community leaders have also expressed concern that the introduction of beavers would make the town the butt of endless smutty jokes.

The article ends with a silly concern that beavers will breed like rabbits which is no less ridiculous than literally every person in Martinez who worried about a population explosion.

After a decade of observation, I certainly can’t swear that beavers don’t have recreational sex from time to time, but biologically speaking they can only get pregnant once a year.