Beaver atop a dam. Photo: Marcin Klapczynski, CC some rights reserved

Got drought? Bring in the beavers.

Now a December article in Canadian Geographic by Frances Backhouse,”Rethinking the Beaver”, considers how beavers affect wetlands and watersheds with an eye on how that could be a plus in dealing with heightened risk of drought.

The material presented isn’t especially new. But if cycles of drought and flood become more regular spectres it’s worth looking at ways to mitigate those impacts.

Nice article from North County Public Radio in New York, which even links to my father beaver movie. I’ve been having a little fantasy about telling all the folks who get FEMA money for drought that if they’re killing beavers they ‘opt themselves out’ of federal support. It reminds me of that old joke about the minister during the flood. As the water rises around his house, a neighbor paddles by and offers to bring him to safety. “The lord will provide” is his answer, and he sends the neighbor on his way.

He and his family have to move onto the second floor when the waters rise. Now it’s a police boat that motors over, shouting over the megaphone to lower the children down first. He waives them away. “I’m not worried and we’re not leaving.” He dismisses. “The lord will provide.” The police leave – stunned.

The rains continue to fall and that water fills the second floor. The man raises his children and wife onto the roof where they scramble to survive. From the east the noise of a helicopter approaches. As it gets louder a ranger in rescue clothes lowers down from above and reaches for the children. The minister shouts his dissent. “WE’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. THE LORD WILL PROVIDE!” He shouts and turns his back on the rescue worker, clutching his bible. The worker shrugs with despair and is raised away on the hook back to the helicopter.

The water continues to rise.

It crests the roof and the chimney, drowning first the children, then the wife and finally the old minister. As the water fills his lungs his bible floats out of his fingertips and the man’s spirit rises to heaven, remembering everything that he lost and will never have again. When he sees god he explodes in fury.

“What kind of God are you! I lived a good life. I did everything I was supposed to for you. I put my faith in you! How could you let this happen? Why didn’t you provide for me and my family?”

God is nonplussed. “Are you kidding? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!‘

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Which is to say more than 50 percent of the US faced extreme drought this year, and its going to get worse as climate change continues and these states that are relying on federal money to feed their families are turning away the very help that could save their lives, and water their crops, and support their cattle.

And I’m talking about beavers here.

“My land dried up, and my livestock died and my corn withered. Lord, I trusted you. My family lived by your laws. We went to church on sunday. Why didn’t you provide?”

And God says in my daydream. “Are you kidding? I sent you beavers!“

The county board of administrators in DeSoto Mississippi are mighty worried and face a gnawing problem. Mind you – they’re not worried about the worst drought conditions the state has seen in any time during any growing season EVER. Or about the fact that this declared drought has been named a national disaster by the federal government making it eligible for FEMA. They’re not worried that besides DeSoto it affects 1000 counties and 26 states. Who’s counting? The elected officials at the top of Mississippi have more pressing things on their minds.

BEAVERS!

So just this week they sat down to discuss the problem and consider re-instituting the tail bounty that had been so popular in years past.

“There are people out there who’d like to do it,” DRCUA board member Barry Bridgforth said of collecting a fee for beaver tails. “We’re not trying to eradicate the beaver population but control it because they’re rampant in DeSoto County. If there’s a sizable body of water, they’re in there.“

See we’ll pay folks to kill beavers and at the same time take money from the federal government for drought conditions, because hand outs are only a problem when they go to THOSE people. What other choice do we possibly have?

Bridgforth pointed to a pond on the property of fellow board member Joe Frank Lauderdale: “He’s only got one tree left on his island in the pond. The beavers got rid of all his ornamentals.”

All the ornamentals! How much can one man suffer? He obviously has no choice. Certainly you can’t expect them to wrap the trees they want to protect with wire or paint them with sand. That would be barbaric! Much better to pay 10 dollars a tail and let folks kill themselves some pocket money. Times are tough. And beavers are cluttering up our creeks.You know the REALLY annoying thing they do in our creeks? They pile up all this mud and sticks and back up the water in these little stagnant ponds. They do it all over and all the time and in every stream they find! Sometimes they clutter up the creek with ponds so much we can hardly show the USDA officers how bad our drought is. We better get rid of them right away.

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I’ll tell you what. Maybe its a naming problem. Let’s not call them beavers let’s call then ‘water-savers’. See these little guys hunt down any remaining trickles you have left and hoard them into pools. They dig holes and build dams and pile mud and raise the water table so that you miserable wells have a little more water, and the hyporheic exchange through the banks cools your water temperatures so that a few of your remaining fish don’t get baked. And the deer drink from them and the turtles and frogs retreat to them, and waterbirds hang out on the banks so they have something to eat. And when this pondwater comes out on the other side of the dam its actually cleaner! Because the dam has filtered it! Oh and what price do these water-keepers charge to do this labor, live on sight, train the new workforce and make repairs onsight 24/7?

Nothing, They work for free.

But thanks to the county board of supervisors in DeSoto you can now get $10 a tail for killing them. Sweet.