Because I entered my doctoral program with a masters degree I had the opportunity to waive a year of classes by taking massive comprehensive exams. It was five monumental tests over two surreal days. It required months of review and the few of us who attempted it worked in groups one subject at a time. I had never faced anything like it. It was the kind of exam where you went at night to review your score on the wall to see if you passed or failed. It was terrifying. And no one I ever met had passed all five.
The night before my first exam I had a nightmare that I was in my most difficult class and there was some unknown demon growling outside the closed door. The five students beside me were frozen in terror and the instructor pointed at me to open it. I could not refuse. I remember standing with difficulty in the dream and balling my hands into fists that felt absurdly weak before pulling it open to face the threat.
Sometimes we all feel unequipped in life, Others are smarter or faster or more beautiful than we are. Looking around at what others have to offer can make us feel inadequate, unprepared and not up to the job. It doesn’t matter how small you feel. There is work to be done. That’s what I knew when I opened that door. It doesn’t matter how weak you are. Roll up your sleeves and do it anyway.
When I flung open the door I thankfully woke up and went on to pass all five. I remember that as I see this and think of what D, H, Lawrence said. “I never saw a wild creature sorry for itself”
