Ahhh the exciting tales of beavers and firearms from the lawless west — Or New Jersey. Seems one out-of-control animal control officer took it upon himself to shoot a pair of beavers that were interfering with pond height at a city park. Trouble is, shooting beavers is illegal in New Jersey, and he should have used a trap. According to the region’s deeply ambivalent legislation, (which contains nearly as many contradictions as the bible itself),  the law says beavers have to be humanely killed but relocation is illegal. It gets more even better. It’s unlawful to shoot them from far away but you are welcome to live trap them, leave them in a suitcase without food for 12 hours, and  and press a .22 to their furry temples and pull the trigger. I’m not confused, who’s asking?

So this is the scene of the crime. Petteranello Gardens amphitheater at Princeton Community Park. The kind of place where  the Thomas Sweet outdoor theatre offers free productions of  ‘blithe spirit’ or ‘Twelfth Night” and families gather over egg salad sandwiches or brie and chardonnay to enjoy the culture. Seems one park visitor was asked to leave early one night when she was walking over to see the beavers.

Kathleen Hutchins, a township resident, said she learned of the killings when she ran into the officer, Mark Johnson, in the park as she was walking over to see the beavers on Friday evening with her dog. She said she was told to leave the park by the officer about 7:30 p.m. The officer said he was “going to get rid of them.”

Victoria Hurley-Schubert: centraljersey.com

Now since we’re in a community theatre frame of mind, let’s think about Mr. Johnson’s motivation. Obviously he saw Kathleen walking over to the pond so could infer she cared about the beavers. He didn’t have to tell her anything, he could have just waited and killed them later.  Not really the best person to broadcast your murderous and illegal act to unless you A) secretly hate your boss so much you want them to get a lot of shit for this decision, or B) are such a cruel and sadistic misogynist that you wanted the pleasure of seeing the look on her face before you settled down to the delight of shooting the beavers.

I’m going with ‘B’.

So Mr. Johnson shot two beavers that night because they were raising the pond and eating trees. When the story hit the papers everyone got a little anxious and the Bureau Administrator started doing some talking about this not being authorized from the top down. The Deparment of Environmental Protection said it had issued no permits, and the department of animal control said that the beavers were not ill nor aggressive.

Robert Bruschi, the borough administrator, said municipal officials are looking into the issue and are sensitive to animal issues.  Mr. Bruschi said the animals were shot in the park after dark and not trapped. The action was taken after the park had closed to the public, he said. As for the reason for the shootings, “He (Mr. Johnson) deemed them a nuisance,” said Mr. Bruschi.  Municipal officials are working with the state to find out if Mr. Johnson had the authority to take the action he did and if he followed appropriate state procedures.  He said Mr. Johnson did call Fish and Wildlife and spoke with representatives as to what to do about the beavers. It’s not clear what transpired from there and municipal officials have calls into the state for answers.

”He wrote a letter explaining what he did,” said Mr. Bruschi, and an investigation is ongoing.  ”I’m treating it as a personnel matter,” said Mr. Bruschi. “If Mark did not follow the regulations from the state, there might be some discipline from that.”  After the investigation is complete, the matter may then be looked at from a policy standpoint. 

Mr. Johnson is on vacation this week.

Of course he is. I have some news for Mr. Johnson and Mr. Bruschi, if you’re interested. It’s May, so BEST CASE scenario you put a bullet into the father and mother beaver as they were just starting out in life, killing a number of unborn children in a grand civic abortion that your tax dollars paid for. That’s the best case.

The WORST CASE scenario is that at temperatures of 72 the kits have already been born and your decision orphaned them, leaving helpless furry creatures without parents alone in the lodge where they will slowly starve and die. How will that look in the papers?

Can this story possibly be redeemed? Can the Bureau of Princeton’s reckless ass ever be covered? Maybe. Sarah Summerville runs the Unexpected Wildlife Refuge in upstate New Jersey about 75 miles away. Have your people sit  down with hers and do an inservice training on REAL beaver management. Find out why shooting or trapping are short term solutions and how the use of flow devices can protect your spillways and your good name. Find out what beavers can do for your wildlife, fish and bird population, and hope every day that when you are given a second chance you make a smarter decision.

Meanwhile send your top biologist to walk the pond today and look for where the beavers were living (and, no,  it’s not in the dam) and make sure there aren’t orphans left behind. My guess is that Mr. Johnson shot yearlings (teenage beavers), meaning he got your bureau into all this hot water and he didn’t even solve your problem. You might wanna discuss that when he comes back from vacation.