West Linn police trap beaver that moved into a front-yard water feature
West Linn police thought they were going to deal with a sick animal Saturday at a home along River Street. But when they found a feisty beaver had taken up residence in a front-yard water feature, it was a whole different ballgame.
“The animal wasn’t sick at all,” said Officer Mike Francis, West Linn police spokesman. “He was just being territorial, staking his claim to the water feature.”
Thank goodness this happened in Oregon and nothing TOO bad happened to this beaver but after reading these grim details I want to cross examine these witnesses.
. “Mr. Harper,” I’d like to say in a Perry Mason voice, “Could you describe for the court your intention in putting in this water feature?”
“We wanted the yard to look natural” he’d say casually, and I’d lean closer, knowing I had the judge’s full attention.
“So natural that a beaver might move in?” I’d invite, enjoying the murmur of the jury.
“No” he’d stammer. “We didn’t want beavers. We just wanted birds, well not the kind that eat the koi. No raccoons, no beavers no turtles, we just wanted it to look natural, but not that much nature!”
And in my mind this home-owner courtroom would gasp and nod knowingly, and that’s when I’d show the video, to make sure the jury saw things my way. A scared little beaver stuffed in a hole. A crazy home-owner without an eye-dropper’s worth of compassion. And a snotty, squealing boy named ‘Maverick’ of all things.
They’d be shaking their heads by the end, and even the officer I called as witness would blush a little. Now I’d show a nice video of the little woman Sherri Tippie live trapping a beaver, soothing it and gently releasing it into a broad stream.
“You deliberately built a feature that looked natural because you wanted your yard to appear natural. Should we blame this young beaver for taking you at your word? In all likelihood the beaver would have moved on anyway, but if he didn’t you could clearly afford to hire Ms Tippie to relocate him appropriately. Instead you monopolized the afternoon of two peace officers and who might have otherwise been busy saving lives or property.’
“The beaver in question was an adolescent leaving home for the first time. Doesn’t he deserve a gentler response to his independence than this? What kind of response should the world take for Maverick when he leaves home for college and winds up staying overnight in the wrong place?”
‘Mr. Harper, would you please take a look at the back of the flag and tell me what you see.”
“A beaver” he’d whisper.
” I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. Could you say that again for the jury.”
“A beaver” he’d snap.”But if I lived in California I wouldn’t let a grizzly bear live in my yard either!”
I’d smile with the jury to show how un-intimidated I was by his argument. “No doubt!” I’d agree. “You’ve made it clear that you don’t want nature of any kind in your natural looking yard. No birds. No beavers. No raccoons. In fact, the only kind of nature you can tolerate at all apparently is human nature. And the lowest kind of that. Fear, ignorance, curiosity, disgust. That seems to be the only nature you can bear.” I’d turn my head and leave the witness stand.
“Your honor, I rest my case”.
In my fantasy home-owner courtroom beaver justice would be served. Mr. Harper would have to pay salary for the time he monopolized the police as his personal animal control unit, and the water feature would be donated to the state, which better understands how to live with nature. 5 girl scouts would sew fabric into that snare so that it didn’t cause internal bleeding the next time the police used it and staff from PAWS would come check on that little beaver just to make sure he’s okay.
Thank goodness! I’ve been waiting to use this graphic forever!
