front-feet

Ahhhh the form letter! “Thank you for bringing this issue to my attention.” Why is it sent? Who does it serve? Are people ever really soothed by the form letter? I suppose maybe when the trouble is taken to post it and mail it there is some modest value attached. I got one from the white house once with raised lettering on the seal, and that was exciting. 44 cents worth of appreciation for my civic interest. Surely the email form letter is worth less- far less. Just the effort it takes to hit the “reply” button. It communicates that the person has the time to respond to and acknowledge the letter, the energy to cut and paste your name, but lacks the engagement to respond in a meaningful way.

This week I received a fine specimen from the Premier of Prince Edward Island – (“150 nuisance beavers to be culled“). The letter is bold in its simplicity and dramatic in its failure to communicate a single intention or act. I have read a few non-responses in my day and this is remarkable in its negation of all meaning. It is a black hole of responsibility through which all impending decisions are sucked so that no one can ever be blamed, certainly not the author. See for yourself:

Dear Dr. Perryman

Thank you for your e-mail. I can understand your concerns and I am aware that officials in the Department of Transportation and Infrastructure Renewal plan to re-visit this issue from a policy and operational basis with senior officials in the Fish and Wildlife Division of the Department of Environment, Energy and Forestry.

I can assure you that we want to develop sound, ethical practices to address this situation and take a balanced and measured approach.

We appreciate your input.

Sincerely,

Robert Ghiz

Premier

Are dramatic legal cases ever won on the basis of a form letter? Imagine the classic Perry Como (an attentive reader points out I mean Perry Mason moment – which is true but you have to admit a Perry Como moment would be charming!) “Your honor I didn’t know my ship was leaking oil. It was never brought to my attention.” the smooth haired businessman intones. Then from across the courtroom the glinty-eyed lawyer produces a worn piece of paper, “If you didn’t know about it then what’s this? If no one brought it to your attention, how do you explain this!” and then reads

“Thank you for bringing this issue to our attention…”

So you see, its important to notice when you get a form letter and to save it or post it on a website that gets 1000 readers a day. I’m sure when PE notices how steeply their bird population declines, or finds out their salmon run is reduced by half, they might wonder who’s responsible.

The whole thing made me think of this beloved episode of Cheers;

Well not Anne precisely, because she is a fictional character and unable to set a trap. Instead, some very real nonfictional characters on Prince Edward Island are teaming up to do and defend it. Drew Halfnight’s smart article in the National Post documents their decision. They’re calling the kill a ‘cull’ targeting ‘nuisance beavers’. The plan is to take 150 this summer and sell the pelts, funneling the money back into environmental management. (Mind you, summer pelts won’t fetch much, but no matter). The accusations of damage are legion and include “beaver cause flooding and destruction of roadways, kill mature trees, contaminate water and interfere with migratory fish runs“. The solution, of course, is binary: conibear traps and underwater snares which “humanely cause drowning after 5 minutes.” Not quite sure how that works out for an animal that can hold its breath for 15 minutes, but it says it’s humane in the paper so it must be true.

Apparently everyone is on board for this exciting (not-so-final) final solution, “What we’re doing is in the interest of public safety,” said Shelley Cole-Arbing, an environmental officer with the Department of Transportation and Public Works. “This isn’t something we want to do. This is a necessary part of our lives.” (Explain to me how disliking a foolish, wasteful decision makes it better, Shelley?) “I wish we had a magic wand to fix the problem,” said retired P.E.I. biologist Daryl Guignon. “But it’s not easy, let me tell you.” (Well goodness Daryl, Anne might expect you to have a magic wand, but we certainly don’t. I was just thinking you might have a pair of pliers and some clippers. Too much to ask?) “In some instances, [euthanizing the animals] is the best option,” said Tracy Brown, director of the local environmental association in Bedeque Bay. “It’s not like we have a declining beaver population.” (Ahh Tracy. Spoken like a true naturalist! I just had to look up your organization and saw that it is actually focused on environmental management. Well, it has environment in the title right? Beavers aren’t endangered, that’s true. I wonder if any species that depend on their ponds are endangered. Birds or salamanders or tree frogs or fish. Go ahead and look, I’ll wait while you check.)

Clarence Ryan has been a government-contracted trapper in eastern P.E.I. since the beaver management program was first launched. Last season he killed 87 beavers with two types of traps, a traditional Conibear clamp and a submersible snare. The first, the “trap of choice” for professionals, is supposed to kill the beaver instantly, though some environmental groups say it often doesn’t. The second is meant to drown the animal in under five minutes.

Wow. You need to kill twice as many this year and you’re calling it a solution? Wouldn’t a solution mean you have less of a problem not more of a problem? Hmm. I wonder if their might possibly be a rebound effect for the population after you trap 150 beavers. Better set aside some money right now to trap 300 next year. And so on. Maybe a trust fund.

My favorite part of the article comes at the end. I just love how the ‘schoolyard, siblings-fighting-in-the-back-seat, BP finger pointing technique” closes it.

A spokesperson for the province’s transportation department pointed out that other provinces cull animal populations, too. Last month, the National Post reported that Nova Scotia is introducing a $20 bounty on coyotes.

Lives could be lost. We have to do it. It won’t hurt. It won’t matter. And finally, the old standard “he started it!” The newly varnished PEI answer to “I didn’t do it. He had it coming“.