Becky, get me gun I’m gaun’ to war!
Wow. Just wow.
I knew Pennsylvania was light years behind nearly every other state in beaver management, but I’ve never realized just how shockingly misinformed they were until today. Check out this article from New Castle News. Apparently beavers are blocking a culvert in Lawrence County and threatening the bike path there. The Conservation District of course has decided that the only solution is the final solution, and they’re bringing in a crack wildlife management team to solve the problem.
The oh-so subtly named, Crit R Done, was called. Wes Osborne was swiftly on the case. Seems Wes recently achieved fame when he trapped an alligator that was troubling firefighters in a burning building. imagine the footage! Fire! Gators! Chaos! Snakes on a Plane! The alligator was later blamed for starting the fire. (Smoking in bed?) But hero Wes was on hand to duct-tape its mouth and take it away. After admirable behavior like that, where else could anyone turn to solve wildlife problems?
Wes is the expert, so let’s see what he has to say about the soggy trail situation
Osborne’s intent is to trap the four ’soldier’ or worker beavers during the current trapping season that ends March 31. Then the rest of the colony ’ the grandfather, mother and young ’ will be moved to another watershed, with the help of the Pennsylvania Game Commission, she said.
Soldier beavers? Soldier beavers? Are you kidding me? Soldier beavers? Look, Wes, I know your primary income is from termite control but these aren’t ANTS we’re talking about here. There aren’t warring colonies waiting just around the riverbend to throw mudballs at eachother that they then fight off with their clever dam structures. Soldier beavers? There are no soldier beavers. There are no worker beavers. There are only beavers. I’m reminded of a certain Carl Sandburg poem.
And Grandfather beavers? Honestly? Are you six? Where on earth could you possibly have acquired that notion if it wasn’t a saturday morning cartoon? Listen up, Wes. There are no “grandparent” beavers living in the colony with funny inter-generational sitcom dialogue being spoken in the lodge. “Eh! In my day we could fell twice that many trees!” Mature yearlings leave the colony to seek their own fortune, and the parents who no doubt become grandparents of sorts one day, stay behind.
Beaver behavior isn’t a mystery, (although I suppose if all you see of them is their broken neck in a snare it would be difficult to learn about). The idea that any public or private money would be paid to you so that you can continue to spread such spurious misinformation is horrific to me, and should be shocking to you. Every single person who has every gleaned any beaver fact EVER in the history of the world should write the conservancy and tell them so.
I did.
UPDATE:
Hmmm…the reporter wrote me back and is working on a follow-up for this story. Seems Mr. Osborne was upset by the misinformation in the article and swears he never talked about soldier beavers, and this is entirely the introduction of the conservancy. Oh so many people need to have letters from you today!
There is only one horse on the earth
and his name is All horses.
There is only one bird in the air
and his name is All Wings.
There is only one fish in the sea
and his name is All Fins.
There is only one man in the world
and his name is All Men.
There is only one woman in the world
and her name is All Women.
There is only one child in the world
and the child’s name is All Children.
There is only one Maker in the world
and His children cover the earth
and they are named All God’s Children.
Carl Sandburg, Windsong 1960
