Once in a great while you come across a story that suddenly makes everything worthwhile. All the hard work and early mornings, every ridiculous nutria photo, all the awkward city planning, suddenly dissipates while one shining headline puts the entire thing in perspective, leaving you trembling with joy and purpose down to you very toes and fingertips.
A Canadian trapper claims he has survived a brutal sexual assault by what he calls the “biggest beaver he has ever seen.” Bill O’Connor, 63, was checking his beaver traps near Lake Winnipeg when a large bear-like creature attacked him out of nowhere.
O’Connor, who first thought he was being mauled by a small bear or wolverine, soon realized it was, in fact, a very large-sized beaver“I had never seen a beaver of this size in my entire life,” he told local reporters.
The beaver, apparently bruised by one his traps, was extremely aggressive and even managed to knock the sixty-three-year-old man unconscious before he awoke minutes later.
“I woke up, my face in the snow and gasping for [sic] hair. The beaver was crushing me with its weight and doing a humping motion on my head and neck while making a strange guttural sound. It must’ve weighed at least 200 pounds,” he recalls.
Moments later, the large-sized semiaquatic rodent eventually ejaculated on O’Connor’s head and neck, before leaving the area.
“I had warm beaver semen all over my hair, face, eyes and mouth, but man was I glad to be alive,” he said, visibly grateful.
‘Wiping tears’. I’m sorry, are you serious? That photo is too much. The violated trapper pointing indignantly. I would say this is parody but of course we’ve read crazier allegations from trappers all the time.. Remember the one in Yellow Knife that said they could bounce off their tails like a pogo stick and lunge at you?
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I have to ask though. What does beaver semen even look like? I mean, how did you recognize it? And 200 lbs? Beavers mate in the water and the females all have a built in a flat leathery chastity belt so rape is kinda out of the question. To do something that complicated almost requires consent.
The fact that your story takes place on land is just ONE of the reasons I don’t believe it. I’m going to call it a STORY. And a funny one at that.
Conservation officer, Tom McGreary, says visitors at the nearby Kinwow Bay Park Reserve have reported multiple sightings of an unusually large-sized beaver in the area. “We have also had several reports in the area by local residents of excessively large beavers but until now it had been more of a local legend,” he said when reached by phone.
“Beavers are usually not an aggressive species unless they feel threatened or are injured, although sexual predation on other mammals, especially humans, is unheard of,” he adds.
Beavers continue to grow throughout their lives and adult specimens weighing over 25 kg (55 lb) are not uncommon. The largest specimen ever recorded was captured in Red Lake, Ontario, in 1897 and weighed an impressive 107 kg (237 lb).
Wow this story even has the obligatory warden quote saying beavers aren’t normally like that. Hahahaha! Is there anything else these professionals do besides answer ridiculous questions from reporters? Did anyone have the nerve to honestly ask this question out loud?
And HEY equal time, where are the otter rape stories? Inquiring minds want to know.
Gosh that is one hilarious story. There is almost nothing that can top this allegation. I mean I don’t expect to EVER see anything as outrageous or as hard to believe as a trapper saying he was raped by a beaver.
attacked him out of nowhere.Wow this story even has the obligatory warden quote saying beavers aren’t normally like that. Hahahaha! Is there anything else these professionals do besides answer ridiculous questions from reporters? Did anyone have the nerve to honestly ask this question out loud?
